Wednesday, May 27, 2009


Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes and I am left the same as I began. The more things change the more I am the same. It appears that my life is a constant irony of maturity and regression, but my sense of progress is based on the illusion that things out there are going to remain the same and that, at last, I have gained a little control. But there will never be means to ends, only means. And I am means. I am what I started with, and when it is all over I will be all that is left of me.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

What do I want?

Most decisions, possibly all, have already been made on some deeper level and my going through a reasoning process to arrive at them seems at least redundant. The question, ‘What do I want to do?’ may often be a fearful reaction to the subconscious decision I have already made. It seems to be quite a different form : “What do I really want to do” to “What am I really feeling?”. These questions acknowledge that at any given moment I am experiencing a variety of feelings and that what I want to do is get at the one feeling which is most central to me. If I can get in touch with that then what to do will be obvious and will probably follow naturally. On the simplest level, if I feel ‘I am thirsty’ I don’t have to ask ‘What do I want’ but I may contemplate ‘Water, fruit juice or hot nescafe’. Does it make sense to you?

Sometimes the only way for me to find out what it is I want to do is to go ahead and do something. Then the moment I start to act, my feelings become clear.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Friday @ April 24th,2009 – 8 hrs of my memory being wiped out!

What supposedly to be a normal enjoyable Friday, April 24th turn out to be the opposite. It’s the day I had a bad Vertigo (in my case, it’s my middle ear) attack and I fainted at Kedai Mesra, Petronas, Bukit Antarabangsa. Thanks God for the kind and caring strangers (which at least give me hope for the future) that called a doctor, an ambulance and somehow managed to contact my family members.

Due to the fall, I suffered a hair-line crack at the base of my left skull, hospitalised for a week and on medical leave until May 18th. Fainted at around 1.30pm and by the time I fully regained conscious it was 8.30pm, in SJMC! Up until now I’m still trying to fix the jig-saw puzzle in my head. My neuro-surgeon, Dr Ben of SJMC said this is common in head injury, time heals everything – crack as well as memory.

Vertigo, or dizziness, is a symptom, not a disease. The term vertigo refers to the sensation of spinning or whirling that occurs as a result of a disturbance in balance (equilibrium). It’s the feeling that the surrounding is moving or spinning or sometimes known as illusion of movement. There are 2 types of Vertigo, subjective and objective. Subjective vertigo is when we feel ourselves are moving while objective vertigo is when the perception of the environments are moving. Mine was objective vertigo.

Hopefully by next week or so I should be running about doing my normal things.